I’m going to tell you a true story. In my freshman year of college, I really made an effort to attend events. One fall evening I attended a football game with a couple of friends. Sitting on those uncomfortable bleachers and chit chatting about anything and everything, two of us waited for my other friend, Juliet, to arrive. Juliet could not have been more excited to meet up with us and fill us in on her date with a new guy she met in class, Jason. Juliet and Jason went to a neighboring college in town. Juliet had not been on a date in a couple years because she had an abusive, draining relationship in high school. Nevertheless, she was ready to get back out there, and, like any person, was excited that she shared mutual affection with someone. She gushed about it for days leading up to the date. I was so happy for her.
Then she sent me a picture that changed everything.
I recognized Jason. I went to high school with Jason. A friend from high school, Aisha, used to catch a ride home from school with Jason. One afternoon, very soon after he started giving her rides, he demanded something in return. In the school parking lot, he forcefully shoved Aisha’s head into his lap. Aisha refused but did not think she was in danger, and she had to get to work, so she asked him again just to take her to work. A couple minutes into their drive, Jason stopped the car and refused to take her unless she changed into her work clothes in front of him. Aisha was scared, violated, and worried about missing work, something she couldn’t afford. Luckily, Aisha was able to leave that encounter physically safe. Aisha was never the same after that and still carries that trauma with her. To give you even more insight into the kind of guy Jason is, by the time we graduated high school he was banned from visiting the middle school (just yards away from the high school) for having sexual contact with 8th grade girls. Cut to five months after graduation, I see his face on my phone screen, across the table from Juliet. I told her everything – all of the mistakes he made, the things he said and did, and what I think of him.
This is called gossiping.
Some will say gossip is a shallow or even sinful act, but what we don’t verbalize about gossiping is that it has kept women safe for centuries. Juliet left that date in a hurry, distraught by what she had just learned and concerned she could’ve been violated, again. While the crowd was booming as men played football and cheerleaders shook their pom poms, I was holding my friend while she cried in the parking lot – the perfect depiction of existing at the intersection of being a young woman in college: uplifted by female friendship but impacted by sexual violence and fear.
(Disclaimer: Juliet and Aisha gave me permission to share their stories, and all names in this story have been changed to anonymize and protect the privacy of individuals involved.)
I was especially thankful for our friendship that night. Juliet was able to trust and confide in me, and I was able to support her because of that friendship. Healthy relationships start at the most basic level – friendship – and friendships in college are important for many reasons. Freshman year is the first time that many students go beyond their hometown bubble, have new experiences, and meet different kinds of people from all over the U.S. and out of the country who have new perspectives, insights, hobbies, ideas, and more to offer. Friendships and other relationships in college have an increased opportunity to influence and help shape a person’s early adulthood, and those interactions can have a lasting impact for life. One way friends do this is by signaling their acceptance, tolerance, or disdain for certain behaviors through gossip and other social interactions. “Strong social support networks and stable, positive relationships with others” are even protective factors from causing and being victim to harm, according to the CDC. Healthy friendships also help you see your value and self-worth, help keep you accountable, and help you put your relationships into perspective (thinking along the lines of, “what would I want for my friend if they were being treated this way?”). For centuries, platonic love was truly the cornerstone of relationships; it wasn’t until the 1800s that marrying for love became a common practice, yet humans have always known that having meaningful friendship is crucial for a full and happy life. It is imperative that we don’t lose sight of that today and build intentional relationships that help us be the best versions of ourselves. Friendship, gossip, and storytelling are all a part of the human experience.
People have been connecting for centuries; therefore, people have been gossiping for centuries. In fact, people care about gossip so much they used to carve and graffiti it into stone [content warning: sexually graphic imagery]. Gossip is a part of human evolution and has even played a vital role in maintaining the social connection and safety of black, indigenous and people of color in the U.S. over the years. During chattel slavery, enslaved girls and women who waited upon enslavers could be “rich sources of information” for their community, providing gossip and warnings that helped others prepare and mitigate danger. In their journey to freedom, enslaved individuals had to rely on word of mouth since there was no official record of the Underground Railroad, a series of verbal tips and gossip that helped an estimated 25,000-50,000 enslaved people reach freedom. One film example of meaningful friendship and accompanying gossip during the Civil Rights Movement can be found in “The Help”; despite the film’s failures to accurately portray the reality of the Movement, it does showcase the importance of gossip, storytelling, and friendship through Minny and Aibileen’s friendship. Cut to the early 2000s, activists are using storytelling as an intentional tool to prevent and bring awareness to sexual violence in the Me Too Movement, a movement founded by a black woman activist, Tarana Burke.
Today, gossip is regarded as a frivolous activity mostly carried out by women and girls (which is highly untrue – men and boys just gossip about different things), making gossip yet another taboo that discourages women from talking about the men that enact violence against them, which is one reason why the #MeToo Movement did not popularize until 2017. And as we see from the impact of the #MeToo Movement, gossip has played a vital role in helping women keep each other safe, especially within communities (such as a campus). Take my friend Juliet for example – maybe nothing would have happened to her, but maybe something awful would have happened to her; maybe not that day or the next, but one day he might have treated her the same way. Me gossiping about Jason could have made the difference in Juliet being safe that night, and in the future, or not. That is a good reason to gossip to me! See, gossip doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. Actually, gossip is simply talking about people who are not around.
Women and other underserved college students especially benefit from gossip, for the same reasons why they are more vulnerable to being targeted by people causing harm – they have fewer connections in the area, are navigating new life experiences, are provided with fewer social and institutional supports (than cishet, white men without disability), and are surrounded by new people, especially freshmen. (Check out last year’s blog for more context on why college students are vulnerable to violence). When anyone is in a new environment, they are counting on others to guide them, and gossip is included in that journey. Gossip even strengthens connections in social settings. Gossip helps enforce social norms, for all the good and the bad. For example, when friends gossip about their disapproval of violence, it signals to all others that violence is an unacceptable behavior in that society. This signaling is why it is so important for men to outwardly disapprove of power-based violence and misogyny when it is presented in a group, even as a “joke”. Gossip in any friendship or group setting can have a positive impact on members, we just have to be intentional with how we wield that power.
Intentional gossip on campus can be especially helpful in keeping each other safe. Even if a survivor of campus violence chooses to go through the confidential Title IX process, the student alleged of misconduct may still be on campus or may be transferred to another school where no one knows their history. Legally, colleges cannot disclose Title IX proceedings and findings; therefore, that student still has an opportunity to hurt others in the same environment. Storytelling about true events that impact you and give you cause to be concerned for others is not the same as talking negatively about someone. If they didn’t want people to know, they shouldn’t have violated you (or your friend, cousin, classmate, etc.); and unfortunately, we’re still at a place in society where survivors and their supporters must be loud to be believed or even heard. Gossip can be cruel and unfounded, but gossip can also keep people safe from someone who has a history of harmful behaviors, especially those who haven’t faced consequences and yield the most benefits from the structure of social systems.
While we have a responsibility to consider how gossiping about others impacts their lives (especially when talking about those who are already socially vulnerable), gossip is not inherently a bad thing. So the next time you discourage gossip altogether or feel guilty for gossiping, remember that it has played a crucial role in keeping women and other minorities safe for centuries. I will leave you with this: talk about it. If it has the potential to keep others safe, talk about how they hurt you (if that’s the right choice for you! It’s not the right choice for everyone), talk about the awful thing they did to your friend, talk about how that person has violated others in the past and you’re concerned they’ll do it again, talk about unacceptable behaviors – talk! Gossip! Gossip to keep each other safe, especially on campus this fall.
— Ariana Speagle (she/her), ICADV Prevention Specialist