Baby Reindeer: Netflix Phenomenon or All Too Common?

I love to watch true-crime documentaries and YouTube videos! If a new cult documentary is released, I cannot be pulled away from my couch. They always tend to fascinate me because of the psychology behind the person or people choosing harm, the person choosing to abuse their power, and the people who are harmed in the process. My lack of understanding their cruelty coupled with my own rage for injustice are huge proponents as to why I work in this field and why I do what I do. So, when I heard of a new true crime limited series called Baby Reindeer, I knew that I had to watch it (after brushing up on my Bridgerton knowledge, that is). Baby Reindeer is described on both Netflix and IMDb as follows: “When a struggling comedian shows one act of kindness to a vulnerable woman, it sparks a suffocating obsession which threatens to wreck both their lives”. At first glance, this series seems to be right up my alley: some true crime, a bit of quirkiness it seems, a bingeable series that can occupy space in my brain for the next 10 days before its on to the next.

 

I was so wrong.

 

In episode 1, we’re introduced to the two main characters: Donny and Martha. Based in London, Donny is a struggling comedian who wants to see his comedy take off and is working as a bartender in the meantime. Martha comes into the bar where Donny works and discloses that she is a wealthy lawyer but cannot afford to purchase a beverage, so Donny offers her a cup of tea on the house. From there, Martha begins to come in and stay at the bar chatting with Donny every day for his entire shift. Martha seems like she needs a friend, and Donny’s own internal dialogue in the show states that he takes pity on her and he enjoys making her laugh. During her patronage at Donny’s place of work, Martha becomes flirtatious and uses several different pet names for Donny, including the show’s title, Baby Reindeer. Then the emails from Martha start. Tens, hundreds of emails in a single day. Donny attempts to clearly define his intentions for his relationship with Martha: purely platonic. This rejection of a romantic relationship causes Martha to have her first public outburst that Donny witnesses, which deeply and understandably disturbs him. Martha continues to show up at Donny’s place of work, sending lots of emails, emailing when Donny is not at work asking why, and showing up to his comedy performance that he did not share with her nor invite her to.

 

And that’s just the first episode.

 

Now, especially if you consume a larger than average amount of true crime in your life, this may seem relatively run of the mill. However, this show is the work of a man named Richard Gadd who created and starred in the show as its main character Donny. But there is more to it than that! This story is not just the work of Richard Gadd, but it is his life story. Baby Reindeer is not just a true story, but Richard’s true story of his own victimization, survival of stalking, and other forms of abuse.

As many know, anyone can be the victim of violence. In terms of domestic and sexual violence, womxn have a higher victimization rate than men. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• • • • 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
      • 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the US have been raped in their lifetime.
      • 19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the US have been stalked in their lifetime.
        • • 60.8% of female [identifying] victims and 43.5% of male [identifying] victims reported being stalked by a current or former intimate partner.

 

This story challenges the viewer’s perception of stalking and the emotions and psychology behind what it is like to be stalked. First, this case involves both a man and a woman, and many would go straight to the survivor being the woman and the person choosing harm to be the man. Here, it is reversed. Men can be and are survivors – their stories are equally as valid as anyone else’s. During the #MeToo movement, founded by Tarana Burke, many men in the public eye decided to publicly disclose their own victimization including Terry Crews, James Van Der Beek, and Brendan Fraser. When Donny chooses to disclose the fact that he is being stalked by Martha to his friends, their reactions indicate that they took his disclosure as a joke, and it wasn’t that serious. One even goes so far as to send a reply email back to Martha with sexually explicit details. We immediately see the panic and pure terror descend upon Donny while all of his friends are laughing it up. After enduring Martha’s unacceptable behavior for six months, Donny chooses to go to the police to make a report. However, he is met with a question we hear all too often, “Why did it take you so long to report it?”

Survivors can come forward however and whenever they choose to. Survivors’ stories are valid whether or not they choose to make a police report. Some make a report and then nothing is done, or there isn’t enough evidence. When I was 20, I made a police report in an attempt to obtain a No Contact Order against my biological father. I had three years’ worth of evidence, so I printed them all out, crossed my fingers, and put my faith in the justice system. But my faith was no match for the blue wall.  Yes, my biological father was a former police officer. So, instead of my case being handled correctly, my victimization being heard, my safety being protected, everything was ‘solved’ over a phone call ‘from officer to officer.’ I lost my faith in the justice system, but I had the support of those around me who used their voices when I felt mine didn’t exist.

 

Fast forward to episode 4, the viewers are met with a trigger warning stating that this episode contains depictions of sexual violence that may be triggering to some viewers. Some friends of mine said that it was just one moment in the show, and you knew when it was coming based off context clues so you could just forward quickly through it. Others said it was more so sprinkled throughout the episode. I decided to watch it anyways and found that the latter of my friends were correct; however, the episode (while directionally speaking was incredibly well done) was so jarring to me that I needed to reach out to a crisis line to help stop my brain from spiraling. The episode as a whole is actually a flashback of Donny’s – cluing the viewers into a bit more insight and providing an explanation to pieces of his current sexuality and his own complex relationship with sex that many survivors of sexual assault have.

Back at the police station, the officer essentially brushes Donny off because it’s ‘just some emails.’ However, at this point in the show, we know it isn’t. We can see Donny becoming a shell of who he was as the justifiable paranoia and need for self-preservation kick in. He is financially impacted because Martha continuously shows up to his workplace to the point where he needs to take time away in an attempt for mental clarity. His romantic relationship is affected after Martha sees Donny and his partner out together, and Martha physically attacks his date, Teri. Unfortunately, this isn’t the only time that Martha chooses to attack someone in Donny’s life – after Martha attacks his ex-girlfriend and landlady’s daughter, Donny (like many survivors of violence) is forced to lose his home and relocate

 

Truthfully, about halfway through episode 5 I had to stop watching. The show as a whole was too jarring: it made my ears hot and perked up, and I felt the need to ensure that all of my doors were locked and felt anxious to close my eyes at night. I had to stop because everything was feeling a bit too familiar to what I had felt like years ago. That is another terrifying aspect of survivorship – you can’t change the streaming service to watch something lighthearted to reset yourself when surviving it is your day-to-day life.

Baby Reindeer held spots in Netflix’s Top 10 for many weeks after its debut on the streaming service, obtaining nearly 60 million views in just its first month. I’ve heard folks talking about it at the store, on the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority trains and busses), and all over social media. No one can wrap their minds around how Donny felt, what he went through, and how baffling the responses from his friends, family, coworkers, and police were. “Why didn’t they believe him?” I heard one woman say. Frankly, it was refreshing. Usually we hear questions like “what were you wearing” or “did that actually happen”, not a question of support laced with a tone of anger.

 

The bottom line is:

survivors should not need a hit Netflix show for you to experience their victimization so you will believe them.

 

Abuse and injustice thrive in silence.

 

So, scream.

 

 

–Rachal Glenn, ICADV Housing and Economic Specialist