Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and professional and workplace relationships are no exception. How we handle conflict and how we talk about it matters. In this blog, we explore how to initiate difficult conversations and keep lines of communication open with our colleagues and peers, even when it is most challenging.

 

What comes to mind when you think about conflict?

Occasionally when I ask this question, people share neutral feelings about conflict, or they feel empowered when they successfully resolve a conflict. However, most people express feeling uncomfortable with addressing conflict, if not entirely fearful. It can be very scary and anxiety-inducing to consider addressing a conflict with a colleague, and this will always be valid. It can be scary to consider how the other person may react to what we say or do! However, we are also completely capable of working through those feelings to have difficult conversations with each other.

Even though communicating about conflict can be intimidating, it is an opportunity to build stronger relationships and a deeper understanding of others’ needs. This can only ever be helpful in our efforts to better understand survivors’ needs. Additionally, building stronger relationships with our peers can strengthen the network of support we should have within our organizations. Working in the domestic violence field is often emotionally and mentally taxing. We cannot thrive in this work – cannot serve survivors well – if we feel alone. Just as we need to take care of ourselves, we need to take care of each other.

One way we can take care of ourselves and each other is by providing the opportunity to work through conflict. If we avoid addressing conflict, we can never find a solution. We can never find common ground or establish a shared understanding of a situation. Unresolved conflict leaves space for negativity, incorrect assumptions, and bias.

A great place to start in improving our ability to address conflict is developing a better understanding of our natural responses to conflict. I really enjoy using the United States Institute of Peace’s Conflict Styles Assessment during trainings about conflict and ethical communication. After completing the free assessment, you will receive results organized by the five main conflict styles: Problem Solving, Collaborating, Accommodating, Avoiding, and Competing. I love using this assessment because it does not provide results that say you are any one style. It will show, based on your responses, how frequently you tend to use each style. We all adapt our approach to conflict due to a number of factors, including how safe we feel, how much stake we have in the issue at hand, and our emotional/mental/physical capacity at a given time.

 

There is no correct conflict style. There is no one approach that works for every situation. Effective conflict management relies on adapting to each situation and the other people involved. It takes practice to determine the best approach in real-time, but general situations in which it would be best to utilize each style are listed below.

        • Problem Solving Style: This style is best used when there is an adequate amount of time to find a solution and when you care about the relationship. When it comes to interpersonal conflict, the relationship always matter.
        • Compromising Style: This style is best used when both parties do not have a lot of stake in the outcome. An example of a situation in which it would not be appropriate to use this style would be in cases of discrimination. If one person approaches their supervisor and shares they are being discriminated against, a compromising style is not appropriate, as the person being discriminated against has a high stake in the outcome and should not be asked to compromise.
        • Accommodating Style: This style is best used when one person trusts that others will not take advantage of them, and they will not be strongly negatively impacted by the outcome.
        • Avoiding Style: This style is best used when a person does not have stake in an issue, they know others also do not have stake in the issue, and they know a situation will not bother them in the future. This style is also best used when someone feels unsafe to address an issue. It is important to remember, however, that being unsafe and uncomfortable are two very different things.
        • Competing Style: This style is best used when the relationship does not matter. Since the relationship always matters in interpersonal conflict, this is not an effective approach to resolving interpersonal conflict. However, it can be a very valuable approach to legal or systems advocacy.

 

Learning more about the five conflict styles and your natural tendencies can help you work on adapting to different situations. There are also general communication guidelines below that can help guide you through addressing conflict when it feels particularly daunting. You can find the guidelines in a flyer format here.

        1. Take a step back.
        2. Do not talk when emotions are high.
        3. Decide if the situation warrants a conversation.
        4. Set up a meeting for an appropriate time.
        5. Use “I” statements.
        6. LISTEN: If you do not leave the conversation with one new piece of information/understanding about the situation or other party, you did not listen.
        7. Be direct but kind.
        8. Do not take things personally.
        9. Give the other person time to process.
        10.   Step away if needed.
        11.   Keep the conversation private.
        12.   Remember: It’s difficult for the other person, too!
        13.   Use the “3-Day Guide” to hold yourself accountable. Within three business days of recognizing a conflict exists, do something about it.

 

There are many aspects of communication that are necessary to discuss as a team in order to support each other to the best of your ability, and responding to conflict is just one of them. I encourage you discuss how everyone on your team likes to be communicated with, establish what clear communication means, and explore how to communicate ethically.

 

— Emily Strickland, ICADV Director of Training