If you are in need of legal help, contact:

After talking with the Attorney and determining whether you think they are qualified to handle your case, consider these points:

• Does the Attorney understand the safety concerns a victim has when she plans to leave the batterer?
• What does the Attorney think about the effects of Domestic Violence on children?
• What is the Attorney's attitude regarding divorce? Does the Attorney feel that it takes "two to tangle"?
• Does the Attorney seem genuinely concerned about you?
• Does the Attorney understand your situation and offer to assist you by referring you to community agencies and resources available to victims of Domestic Violence?

Suggested Questions to Ask an Attorney You are Considering to Hire Concerning Payment:

• How much do you charge for the first meeting?
• How much do you charge for each additional hour?
• What is your minimum fee for my kind of case?
• What services are covered by your fee?
• How many sessions are included in that fee?
• How many court appearances are included?
• What is your rate for appearance in court?
• Do you have a written retainer agreement that I can sign and a copy for me to keep?
• Can you suggest a family counselor, or social worker, or psychologist?
• Will you take my case and ask the court to order the abuser to pay your fees?

The Attorney you hire is your employee and they work for you. If you are not comfortable with the Attorney's ability, or if you do not feel the Attorney is working in your best interests, you can fire the Attorney by writing a letter stating that you no longer wish to retain them. If you hire a new Attorney, they will continue your case and get the past records from your former Attorney.

As a client, you can expect your Attorney to provide you, at a minimum, with the following services:

• Keep you informed about your case.
• Answer your questions in an understandable fashion.
• Return your phone calls in a reasonable length of time.
• Honor the confidential nature of your visits and conversations.
• Provide you with advice about the law, your options, and consequences.
• Represent you well.

It is important to work patiently and cooperatively with your Attorney. Your Attorney will expect from you the following:

• Since you are not the Attorney's only client, be realistic about the time you can spend with the Attorney.
• Avoid repeated phone calls. Try to keep a list of questions and then talk with your Attorney about them.
• Keep your appointments with your Attorney.
• Use the time you spend with the Attorney wisely. Go to your appointments prepared with the necessary information and documents. Prepare a written summary of your situation and include dates, names, and incidences.
• Tell your story as accurately and precisely as possible.
• Listen to the Attorney carefully. Take notes.
• Show up in court at scheduled court appearances.

Here are a few Questions commonly asked by Victims of Domestic Violence:

Q.  Do I need my husband's consent to get a divorce?
A.  No

Q.  If I leave my husband, will I be charged with desertion?
A.  No. The Illinois Domestic Violence Act provides that an Order of Protection cannot be denied because you defended yourself or another family member or because you fled to avoid further abuse. In fact, leaving him to protect yourself or your children does not even give him grounds for divorce.

Q.  Can I take my children with me when I leave?
A.  Yes, UNLESS a court has given legal custody to him. But, if you want to leave Illinois, be sure to see an Attorney first.

Q.  If I had to leave home without the children, will I lose custody?
A.  No. The fact that you had to flee for your safety does not mean that you do not care about your children. But, if you are forced to leave them behind, be sure to see an Attorney immediately. The longer they stay with their father, the harder it will be to get them back. Also, be sure to stay in contact with them.

Q.  I do not want to leave my home. Can I get the abuser thrown out of the apartment or house?
A.  Maybe. In an Order of Protection, the judge may order the abuser from the joint residence.

Q.  Can I get an Order of Custody for my children even if I am not married to their father?
A.  Yes.

� Photographs. Pictures of the Victim's injuries and follow-up pictures. Locate these or make a note of where they are and give that information to your Attorney.

� Photographs. If you have pictures of your residence or other location where the violence occurred, be certain to let your Attorney know.

� Witnesses. Neighbors, friends, children, and other relatives. Make a list of people who know about the violence.

� Medical Records. Make a list of where current and any previous medical records are.

� 911 Calls. If possible, supply your Attorney with a list of dates and circumstances if you or someone else have made any 911 calls.

� Police Reports. Inform your Attorney if any Police reports have been made as the result of a Domestic Violence situation.

� Physical Evidence. Locate torn or bloody clothing, weapons, and damaged property.

� Audio Taped and Voluntary Written Statements. If you or the abuser have given statements to a Police Officer, be certain to let your Attorney know.

� Victim Statements. Summarize as best you can a history of the abuse you have endured.

Battered women do not stay in relationships longer than other women. According to Lenore Walker (1984), the average length of staying for battered women was reported to be 6 years. The average marriage in the United States at that time was also 6 years. More women are able to terminate battering relationships sooner with the assistance of programs for battered women.

Increasingly, women do not stay. Even in cases where it appears they stay-or leave only to return time and time again-they are usually preparing to leave. In fact, women leave an average of five to seven times before they change their living arrangements. Because of the nature and intensity of the batterer's violence and threats, the battered woman leaves in stages, testing the environment to see if she and her children can safely escape and survive together.

The dynamics of a violent relationship, the failure of society to exert negative sanctions toward the perpetrator, and the failure of society to provide females with positive role models and options, keeps some women trapped in the cycle of violence. When one considers the dynamics of domestic violence and the social barriers to leaving, along with the physical, emotional and psychological consequences to the battered woman, the fact that so many women do leave is remarkable.

Frequency and Severity of the Battering
Advocates who work with survivors of domestic violence should remember six major points relative to the frequency and severity of battering:

1. Each battering incident may occur over a relatively short period of time-like a hit and run driver or a terrorist attack. If the battering incident occurs in a cycle preceded by a period of tension that builds up their fear and then a barrage of intense abuse followed by a period of calm or loving contrition it is more difficult for the battered woman to know how to deal with it.
2. The batterer may tell the survivor that this battering incident is the last, and she may believe him-even if he has promised the same thing after previous battering episodes.
3. Generally, the less severe and less frequent the incidents, the more likely she will stay.
4. Generally, the more benefits (what ever that means to her) she receives from the relationship between the abusive incidents, the more likely she will stay.
5. The battered woman may have a disability resulting from previous battering from another source. If so, she may not be mentally (head injury, developmentally disabled, psychologically dependent, etc.)- or physically able to leave under her own power. She may be physically restrained (wheelchair taken away, doors locked and phone disconnected if she is blind, etc.). He may be over- or under-medicating her to restrain her. Many times, physicians participate in the over-medication by prescribing powerful tranquilizers that lessen her ability to think and carry out a strategic plan.
6. If she is elderly, the physical injuries may be more extensive and perceived as more lethal than when she was younger. Additionally, she, like the woman with a disability, may be physically restrained (i.e., tied up) or medicated to the extent that she cannot leave.

The Battered Woman's Childhood
The childhood of many battered women influences their later life:

1. She may have lived in a home where her father beat her mother, and expects or accepts it as natural or normal.
2. The more she was hit by her parents or siblings, the more likely she will stay. In other words, she learned at an early age that it is all right to hit someone you love when she has done something defined as "wrong".
3. She or one of her siblings may be a survivor of child abuse, including child sexual assault.
4. She may have experienced non-contingency between what she does and what happens to her from critical events in her childhood-such as one or more alcoholic parents, early parent or sibling loss, frequent moves restricting socialization experience, serious illness and the like.

Economic Dependence
Economic dependence is a powerful force that keeps many women in battering relationships:

1. In the battered woman's eyes, it may be worth putting up with abuse to maintain economic security for herself and the children. If he has a stable income, this could be one of the benefits of the relationship.
2. Economic conditions today afford a woman with children few viable options. She often has no or low-level marketable skills. Government assistance is very limited and many women know that welfare is an option affording little hope for the future. Even when she does have marketable skills, a woman still earns about 60 cents for every dollar earned by a male. Not only will she earn less if she leaves the batterer, she will have to maintain a separate household for her children and herself (batterers rarely pay child support). In addition, in the vast majority of cases, he will use every opportunity to bring her into court over and over again, thus causing her to incur legal fees or lose the children, the house, car or anything else she values. If children need special attention (physical or behavioral) she is rarely able to provide funds for these needs on her own.
3. The batterer may control the couple's money. She may have no access to cash, credit cards, checks or important documents, or even if she has access, she must account for every penny spent. Even women who have their own money separate from the batterer's may have restricted access to it.
4. If the battered woman has a disability or other problem that will require long-term medical intervention, he may have the only health insurance from which medical bills are paid. She may fear inability to take care of the children, bankruptcy, institutionalization or death if she does not stay with him.
5. As an elderly woman, she may rely on his pension and other retirement funds. She may fear that he will cut her off and she will live in poverty, become a homeless "bag lady," be institutionalized by the state, or die.

The Battered Woman's Fears
Battered women typically have a number of fears that, together with the other factors listed, may keep them in violent relationships:

1. If she has experienced the cycle of violence many times (especially if police have been called and did not arrest him), she tends to believe her husband to be omnipotent. She sees no way to protect herself from him and she does not believe anyone else can or will protect her either. Many of her fears are justified: the violence exhibited by these men is terrifying and lethal. This is exemplified by the case in which a battered woman shot her husband multiple times with a shotgun; she still thought he was not dead and would get up to come after her (Walker, 1989).
2. She is likely to believe that if she, or even a neighbor, reports the batterer to the police, he will take revenge upon her, the children, friends, family, pets or anyone or anything important to her. She may believe that if she stays with him, he will hurt only her. In her mind, she is sacrificing herself so that others may live.
3. Some women are afraid that if they report abuse, their husband might lose his job. Many times, this is the only source of income and medical insurance for the family.
4. She is typically afraid that no one will believe her or the true extent of his violence.
5. She is usually afraid everyone will blame her for the batterer's violence.
6. She is generally afraid that she might lose the children because she could not stop his violence and is, therefore, a bad mother. If he threatens to take them from her, if the court appears to be favoring him in a custody hearing, or if he does get the children, this fear becomes even greater. This factor is a major reason many battered women with children return to the abusive home.
7. Some women are also afraid of incurring the wrath of the extended family or their particular community if they break up with or report the batterer. Women with strong roots in a small town, or an ethnic or traditionally rigid religious community are particularly vulnerable.
8. She may have some "hidden" event in her past that, if brought into the open, would focus unwanted social or criminal action upon her, i.e., drug abuse, sexual behavior, writing bad checks, welfare fraud, and so on.
9. If she is an undocumented person, she may fear arrest and deportation, perhaps having to leave the children behind.
10. If she is a woman of color or a lesbian, she may fear that the system will treat her unfairly, possibly taking her children or putting her in jail.
11. If he and/or she is a person of color, undocumented, non-American or from a lower class, she may fear that the police will beat or kill him. While she wants him to stop the violence, she usually does not want him hurt or killed.
12. In some cultures, the police and social services are seen as the enemy, an agent of the government to be feared. Only under the most extreme conditions would battered women, family members or neighbors in their culture call the police.
13. She is typically afraid that if she leaves, he will commit suicide. Generally, she does not want him dead; she just wants him to stop his violence.
14. In rural areas, she may fear that neighbors will talk about the battering if they find out. The sheriff, district attorney and judge might all be his friends or drinking buddies. Additionally, there are few helpful resources in rural areas.
15. An elderly person or a person with a disability may fear not being believed. She may fear that others will see her as incompetent or incapable of getting the story straight. She herself may not trust her waning abilities to protect herself. Some elderly, frail men often find themselves in the same vulnerable position as women in these situations.
16. Often an elderly abuse survivor will not reach out to services based on pride or ignorance of the system and how to use it.

A Battered Woman's Isolation
A major factor keeping battered women in violent relationships is social isolation:

1. Often he has become her only psychological and emotional support system after having systematically destroyed her other friendships. Friends and family feel uncomfortable around his intimidation, hostility or violence, and withdraw from spending much time with either of them.
2. This isolation supports her perception of his omnipotence. She has no one else (except perhaps the children) to validate her feelings and her perception of reality. The children act out what they see and experience at home. Some children who are exposed to violence may identify with the aggressor, blaming the mother for his violence. Thus, children are often unable to provide reality checks since their reality is distorted.
3. Neither the survivor nor the batterer may know there are domestic violence services to help them (if there are services). Where services exist, many people would never ask for help from "social services," "charity" or the "government" because "what happens in the family stays in the family." Battered women trust others to be able to help without intense meddling. Effectiveness of the helper may be limited if the helper is a different race or ethnic group or class.
4. Service providers, including health care providers, often do not seek accurate information about injuries. When presented with an unbelievable story about the injury, many just let the matter drop.
5. The battered woman may leave the batterer an average of five to seven times before she finally leaves for good. Relatives, friends, police and service providers may fail to understand that she develops strengths and resources each time she leaves. They become tired of helping her only to see her return to the batterer, and they become increasingly unwilling to be resources upon which she can rely. They may also be afraid of him or may also be in a state of denial. They may blame her for his violence and tell her that she is a bad mother if she does not protect the children. Since this feeds into what she already knows but can't act on, it only raises the battered woman's levels of guilt.
6. Some battered women need some limited medication to pull out of a depression or to reduce panic attacks. However, some women who go to the doctor or therapist complaining of physical and emotional problems are given drugs to "calm them down." Without proper discussion and monitoring, this action by the doctor may tell the battered woman that there is something wrong with her, and in conjunction with the effects of the drug itself, decreases her ability to gain access to appropriate services.
7. The batterer often threatens to kill the survivor, the children and anyone else she involves if she leaves him. In response, she usually cuts off communication with potential helpers. In her mind, she would rather take the beatings than "cause" others to be hurt.
8. Having no one to talk to, people in abusive relationships rarely see themselves as battered women or batterers. Some batterers do not know how to relate without using intimidation and violence. The couple may realize they have problems, but may not identify the battering as being the main problem. Often, batterers and survivors identify the "real problem" as his drinking, or more commonly, something that she is doing.

A Battered Woman's Beliefs About Her Batterer
It's also important for those who work with battered women to understand the beliefs they commonly hold about their partners:

1. She often still loves him and is emotionally dependent on him.
2. Often, motivated by pity and compassion, she may feel she is the only one who can help him overcome his problem (alcohol, violence, depression, etc.).
3. When he is also abusing alcohol or other drugs, she typically believes that he will stop battering her if he stops the substance abuse.
4. If the batterer is elderly or has a disability, she may think that he will die without her.

The Battered Woman's Religious Beliefs
While more members of the clergy are gaining an awareness and understanding of domestic violence, many still believe and perpetuate all the myths of domestic violence and counsel the woman to be a better wife, mother or nurturer. The more a woman internalizes this advice, the more likely she is to stay (Fortune, 1987).

Lenore Walker, a well-known feminist psychologist, became interested in studying battered women's problems in 1975. In her study of a group of women who represented a wide variety of ages, races, religions, educational levels, cultures and socio-economic groups, she noticed that battered women commonly shared many of the following characteristics:

• Exhibits low self-esteem.
• Characterizes herself as a traditionalist in the home or by her strong belief in family unity and the prescribed feminine sex role stereotype.
• Accepts responsibility for the batterer's actions.
• Suffers from guilt, yet denies the terror and anger she feels.
• Presents a passive face to the world but has the strength to manipulate her environment so that she doesn't get killed.
• Has moderate to severe stress reactions with psychological and physiological complaints.
• Uses sex as a way to establish intimacy.
• Believes no one will be able to help her resolve her predicament except herself.
• Frequently believes she deserves the punishment she receives (Walker, 1979)

Any woman can be the victim of domestic violence, just as anyone can be the victim of any other crime. Therefore, there is no one profile of a woman who is likely to be abused. However, from studies of battered women, we have derived some common characteristics battered women develop over time.

Low Self-Esteem
Battered women typically underestimate their abilities. The batterer repeatedly tells her she is incompetent and unable to function on her own. Because women often define themselves by their success or failure as a partner or mother, when things are not going well at home, even if they are successful on the job or in other areas of their lives, their self-esteem is adversely affected. A battered woman assumes responsibility for her mate's behavior. Society's belief is that he would change if only she would change (i.e., if she could stop making mistakes and do things right, if she would only close her mouth, etc., his behavior would improve.)

Traditional Beliefs
Typically, whether a battered woman feels that a woman's role in a relationship is to nurture the man, maintain the household and take care of the relationship, his violence soon shows her that these traditional modes of behavior keep her safer than more "liberated" forms of behavior.

She may continue her job out of economic necessity, and/or because she loves it. It may be the only respite from her husband's constant monitoring of her behavior; however, she may feel guilty about her choice. Conversely, she may give her job up either willingly or unwillingly, hoping that giving up the job will give her partner some security and he will then be happy. Frequently, this creates real economic hardship on the family, adding further stress. Some battered women turn their paycheck over to their partner, who takes over decisions about how family income is spent. Although the woman may be holding the entire family together emotionally and perhaps even financially, nevertheless, the man is still seen as the head of the house.

Stress Reactions Resulting in Psychological and Physiological Problems and Complaints
Battered women often suffer from a variety of minor ailments such as fatigue, restlessness, sleep problems (disruption, inability to sleep) and headaches. They may also complain of depression and anxiety and are generally suspicious and secretive. Suspiciousness resulting in secretiveness is usually well-founded; these behaviors help battered women cope with violence by increasing their perception of control over their lives and the batterer, avoiding some beatings and obtaining a few moments of privacy from their excessively intrusive men. The manipulative behavior which results does help protect many battered women from more serious injury.

She Minimizes His Violence
Battered women tend to minimize and deny the amount and intensity of the violence directed against them. The human mind can only take a certain amount of trauma; when pushed beyond the limits, memories of repeated trauma may be repressed and forgotten. Denial, the psychological defense mechanism that refused to believe that the unbelievable really has occurred, also is used by battered women as an unconscious protection. Together with minimizing the seriousness and danger of the abuse, these avoidance defenses protect the battered woman by reducing her constant fear level.

Believes She Deserves the Punishment She Receives
The vast majority of women are socialized to believe that it is their responsibility to keep their men happy and their relationship together. Battered women begin to believe that it is their fault that they cannot "fix" whatever is wrong with the batterer. Each time they feel the injustice of their situation, or do something he thinks is wrong, they feel more guilty. They want to improve and sometimes even believe the batterer when he says that what he is doing is really discipline - teaching her a lesson. Women whose parents said those same words when they were disciplining her are more likely to adopt the batterer's beliefs.

A Portrait Of The Abusive Male

• There is no prototype of a wife beater.
• Abusive men have learned their behavior.
• Batterers tend to translate their emotions as anger.
• Batterers abuse out of a desire for control.
• Batterers as a group have low self-esteem.
• Batterers are extremely jealous and insecure.
• Batterers as a group have high levels of depression.
• Batterers have poor communication skills.
• Batterers have rigid views of traditional male-female roles.
• Most batterers have abused other partners in the past and go on to abuse future partners.

Men who batter women come from all socioeconomic, religious and racial backgrounds. They come from all walks of life. There is no "typical" male batterer. One factor that race and socioeconomic background do present is the unique stresses on that individual.

"Men who batter have 11 personality traits in common: jealousy of their partner; control and isolation of the partner; "Jekyll and Hyde" personality; explosive temper; legal problems; projection; verbal as well as physical abuse; a history of family violence; more violent when a partner is pregnant or shortly after she gives birth; denial; a cycle of violence and contrition." (Laura Wetzel and Mary A. Ross, 'Psychological and Social Ramifications of Battering: Observations Leading to a Counseling Methodology for Victims of Domestic Violence'. Found in Woman Battering: The Facts, 9.)

Batterers tend to minimize and deny their violent behavior due to the embarrassment, guilt and shame they feel. They also do this because it is in their best interest to do so. They deny it so they do not have to face the criminal charges for the battering. Batterers also tend to blame others, especially the woman that they are abusing, for their violent behaviors. He shows this blame by saying things like, "If only she would have dinner ready, I would not have had to hit her" or "She knows not to push me too far when I am in a bad mood. She should have backed off and I would not have had to hit her."

Men who batter usually depend on the woman they are battering for the sole source of love and support. They expect the woman to have only him in her life. Consequently, they isolate the woman from her family and friends. This isolation may help her to avoid further violent attacks. He also is very jealous. He sees outsiders as intruders. He thinks that these "intruders" are here to take her away from him. He is suspicious and paranoid that she is unfaithful to him with any other man she speaks to and the women that she speaks to also.

• One-fourth of all relationships include violence, which almost always involves the man beating the woman.
• Every 15 seconds in the United States a woman is beaten.
• Domestic Violence results in more injuries that require medical attention than rape, accidents and muggings combined.
• Two in five women who are murdered are killed by their husbands.
• At least 95% of all cases of partner abuse involve a man beating a woman.
• Woman abuse happens in all classes and races. It occurs at every level of income and education.
• Violence in the home usually becomes more frequent and severe over time. The abuser's apologies do not mean the violence will not occur again.
• Children who grow up in violent homes come to believe that violence is normal. They come to believe that it is an acceptable way to control someone else. The majority of adult violent prisoners were raised in violent homes.
• Violence is often part of a pattern of threats, insults, insane jealousy, explosive temper, and attempts to isolate and overpower the woman.

Myth: A man's home is his castle. No one should interfere with the family.
Reality: Battery is a crime! No one has the right to beat another person. It is your home, too. You have the right to a life free from fear and physical abuse.

Myth: A woman who gets beaten brings it upon herself by nagging or provoking her spouse.
Reality: Women are beaten for reasons as ridiculous as the dinner was cold; the TV was turned to the wrong channel; the baby was crying. The fact is that abusive men refuse to control their violent impulses. Even when the man may have reason to be angry, he has no right to express his anger violently. You are not responsible for his violent behavior!

Myth: A woman who stays with her husband or boyfriend after being beaten must like to be beaten.
Reality: Being beaten hurts and no one likes it! There are many reasons why women remain with abusive men including their fear of further violence if they leave, the financial hardships of leaving, their emotional attachment to their partners, and their belief that families should stay together.

Myth: Calling the police will automatically result in jail and loss of employment for the abuser.
Reality: Unless the violence is extremely serious, the abuser is unlikely to spend more than a few hours in jail. Studies have shown that arrest is often an effective way to prevent further violence. In addition, police are now required to assist and advise domestic violence victims.